How to survive Disney
ELGY GILLESPIE takes two girls, who are theme-park aficionados, to Disney World to see it all through their eyes
DISNEY ISN’T meant for sour old moi but I wonder at the gorgeous naivety of parents who come to Disney World. Yes, they’re there for their kids, in spades. But why don’t they research ahead?
Why don’t they anticipate the elder abuse? Not the usual kind. I’m talking about cruelty inflicted by Babezillas and tots not yet open to rational discourse, who shout, “Carry me!” before noon in 40 degrees of Florida humidity and whose appetite for pizza is pitiless.
Testiness in tropical torpor with long waits? Recent immersion in the “Happiest Place On Earth” showed how brilliantly Disney senior arranged transport, marketing, snaking lines, crowd and thought control.
Kid control is tougher. Walt consulted The Hungry Caterpillar for this recipe, because all four parks, even Epcot, heave with one and two year-olds. Pity those women on the point of parturition with toddlers.
Couragio! Here’s a survival guide for kids of all ages, plus tips from Disney fans Malaya Downey (10) and Aoife Cahalin of Dublin, oldest sister of four.
Birth to two: Magic Kingdom
Fantasyland and Tomorrowland work for babies; the dinkiness of Main Street and old-timey rides put it well inside their comfort zones. But two moms in line for It’s A Small World, with yelling toddlers, confessed they’d sworn secrecy about their trip, hoping to dump junior with gran but the older kids split on them, so here they are, in line again.
Oh how I wanted to put their toddlers into a passing gondola and send them anywhere. Wait - this is the ride to everywhere. It’s A Small World is cunningly designed to put pissed-off infants out like a light. At glacial pace, you float past dolls in national costume, all of them somehow knowing English words to that annoying song.
Even Babezillas doze off when Mexican, Dutch, and Japanese dolls start singing. This Babezilla did; I’m talking about me. Although it’s of a boredom to stun an ox, you can fantasise about what those dolls get up to by night, says Aoife. Just don’t try it on older boys – brings out the mad anarchist.
Next we go to Prince Charming Regal Carrousel. Bingo. Winnie the Pooh? Mickey’s PhilHarmagic Concert? Duh! Mad Hatter’s Tea Party? Not dizzying, if you lay off the spinner wheel.
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Once there, free monorails, buses and lake ferries whisk you around; free guides abound. So don't rent a car unless going somewhere else. Accommodation includes the Contemporary Hotel (futuristic, for families), Grand Floridian (nightly marshmallow
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